Dancing is awkward. Always has been, always will be. Every Sunday morning I wake up and think, “God, I was dancing like an idiot last night.” But then, come Friday, you can find me right back on the dance floor, bumping and shaking like there was no tomorrow. Yes, I just said “bumping and shaking.” And you wondered why I was embarrassed every Sunday morning.
Here’s the thing: I danced competitively for 15 straight years of my life — jazz, ballet, lessons, dance team, glitter, sparkles, the whole shebang. Given all that, how can I be bad a dancer? I’d like to place the blame on the people around me. The other fools bumping and shaking out there. Honestly, how do you expect me to show off my skills when the dude I’m “dancing” with is flopping around like a fish out of water?
Simply put, I can’t. To the people of Boston, here are six simple rules for dancing at bars. Study these, spruce up your routine, and by Friday night, you’ll look like a regular ole Chris Brown (minus the whole Rihanna situation).
1. Keep your hands below your head. This actually more of a general life rule, but dancing with your hands over your head is downright cheesy. Unless they’re playing “YMCA” at your cousins wedding or you’re starring in Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” video (which has unfortunately already been made), there is no need to wave your hands in the air like a circus clown.
2. Don’t act out the lyrics to songs. Speaking of “Single Ladies,” you don’t need to wave your ring finger around obnoxiously every time Beyonce tells him to put a ring out it. We all know where it’s located (yes, even your boyfriend of 8 years knows where it is. He’s just afraid of commitment). The rule also applies to making a phone with your thumb and pinky finger during “Call Me Maybe.” I know it’s tempting. Just say no.
3. Grinding is gross. To put it bluntly, grinding is an activity that should only happen in the bedroom. Or, you know, with coffee beans. Ladies, unless you are a cast member of “Jersey Shore,” grinding isn’t attractive or classy. Gentlemen, grabbing a random girl from behind and rubbing up against her would not be appropriate on the sidewalk, so why is it OK in a dark bar? Oh, that’s right, it’s not.
4. If there is no dance floor, don’t make one. No one wants you skipping around to Ke$ha while they’re still sitting down, eating their burgers and sipping beer. If it’s past midnight, however, this rule is null and void. Why are they eating a burger at 12 a.m. anyways? They’re in your way at that point in the evening.
5. Every girl is wooed by the spin. OK, maybe it’s just me. But seriously, dudes, take note. The spin is what Prince Charming does to, well, charm Cinderella, and it works every time. It’s got the innocence of a 1950′s sock hop and all the manliness of Patrick Swayze in “Dirty Dancing” and it can be applied to every single song. Try it out tonight.
6. Don’t dance with anything in hand but a beer bottle. Sloshing around on the dance floor with your $9 vodka soda is asking for trouble. Two things inevitably happen. First, the tough guy next to you will attempt to fight your boyfriend when you accidentally dump your open drink down his girlfriend’s shirt (he obviously doesn’t appreciate your intricate choreographed moves to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”)
Second, and much more embarrassing, is the likelihood that you’ll forget that you are basically dancing in a puddle of alcohol, attempt the aforementioned spin move, and fall flat on your back. It’s worse when it happens in a dance circle and your boss has to literally lift you off the ground. Trust me. Stick with the beer bottles.
Then again, spot me on a typical Friday night, and I may or may not be breaking my own rules. YOLO, ya know?
By Lisa DeCanio Re-posted from Bostinno.com